Missing You

Today marks 6 months since I lost my beautiful mother, my best friend. While I have made progress in accepting her death, there isn't a day that I don't long to be with her. There is an emptiness in my life and days where it's difficult to fathom she's no longer here on earth. I miss her love and friendship, our daily conversations, her humor and laughter, her spontaneity and willingness to do just about anything to have some fun, her listening ear with great advice, and her overall presence.

The holiday's will be difficult without her but I am at peace in knowing she isn't suffering. I feel her watching down on me and know she will continue to be with me until we meet in Heaven. Missing you.

 

Miracles in the Mess

I have missed this blog and certainly owe all who wrote me while I was away a HUGE hug of gratitude. I apologize it's taken me this long to explain, I do realize that I went missing for way too long. The plain and simple truth is that life happened. The past year has been a test of my faith with an abundance of challenges. In order to preserve my sanity, I needed to scale back on life's extras to simplify what felt like chaos. I won't get into all the details but will tell you it has been a bumpy road and unfortunately, doesn't appear to be getting smoother any time soon.

What's different now however, is that my strength continues to grow and I've found the ability to walk through life even when it seems to be crumbling upon me. Although difficult to see, through the chaos there is often a beautiful mess.  My greatest fears can be conquered and moments of despair can be overcome with unimaginable power that comes from a power greater than myself.

I recently read the book, 'You'll Get Through This', by Max Lucado which I highly recommend. I carry this message with me:

You'll get through this.

It won't be painless.

It won't be quick.

But God will use this mess for good.

Don't be foolish or naïve.

But don't despair either.

With God's help, you'll get through this.

We are never alone, everything happens for a reason and in the end the sad will make sense.

Grief Journey

I am blessed to have this outlet to share life's celebrations and hardships. Sometimes, I am better at expressing myself with written words(besides I can't get through a damn discussion without crying lately!) My topic today is grieving; as we get older, it's inevitable that we will experience loss and grief in some capacity, our loved one's pass away and those loses can be heart wrenching. A pain that can only truly be felt by those who have gone through it.

We have discovered that my Mom's cancer is incurable and the trial she had been accepted into unfortunately did nothing to decrease the size of her tumors. So, now we are faced with a very difficult time where we are both deeply saddened and worried about the future. Not worried about the future of my Mom as she is a woman of amazing faith and will be well taken care of and reunited with loved ones in God's Home. I am instead worried about things like holiday's without her presence or the birth of my children without her there to be the wonderful Grandma I've always known she would be. The thought of a life without her being present is like living with half a heart. It's too hard to imagine and the thought of it brings me to tears. For my own sanity and to be able to function with my work and life, it's crucial that I stay in the present time. I want to enjoy the precious time we have left and cherish our memories. The last thing I want is to have regrets of worrying and being so grief stricken that I'm not able to cherish the time we have together.

My mom is in pain and this has been a 6 year battle with endless chemotherapy, radiation, poking, prodding and surgeries and to see her in pain breaks my heart. I wish so much I could take that pain away so that she doesn't have to suffer. This pain and difficult journey has made me feel more at peace with the thought that she will be Heaven and be pain-free watching over us and being taken care of.

If you are currently grieving please reach out to me as support is crucial. For those who aren't PLEASE ensure that you let your loved one's know each and everyday that you love them. If you haven't forgiven, forgive. For every memory you create cherish it with your whole heart.

* This is an update that my mother was called to heavens gates on May 3rd. I miss her deeply and here is a link to her obituary. I am grieving deeply and I miss her every minute of the day but I have peace in knowing she was a woman of great faith and is being reunited with family members and friends that have passed and is pain free. My heart will always cherish the memories of her as she was my best friend but I do know that she would want nothing more than me to thrive and be happy in my life here on earth. I am not great but I am getting better everyday and with time, I will be able to wrap my head around her death and know that this was her path all along.