Grief Journey

I am blessed to have this outlet to share life's celebrations and hardships. Sometimes, I am better at expressing myself with written words(besides I can't get through a damn discussion without crying lately!) My topic today is grieving; as we get older, it's inevitable that we will experience loss and grief in some capacity, our loved one's pass away and those loses can be heart wrenching. A pain that can only truly be felt by those who have gone through it.

We have discovered that my Mom's cancer is incurable and the trial she had been accepted into unfortunately did nothing to decrease the size of her tumors. So, now we are faced with a very difficult time where we are both deeply saddened and worried about the future. Not worried about the future of my Mom as she is a woman of amazing faith and will be well taken care of and reunited with loved ones in God's Home. I am instead worried about things like holiday's without her presence or the birth of my children without her there to be the wonderful Grandma I've always known she would be. The thought of a life without her being present is like living with half a heart. It's too hard to imagine and the thought of it brings me to tears. For my own sanity and to be able to function with my work and life, it's crucial that I stay in the present time. I want to enjoy the precious time we have left and cherish our memories. The last thing I want is to have regrets of worrying and being so grief stricken that I'm not able to cherish the time we have together.

My mom is in pain and this has been a 6 year battle with endless chemotherapy, radiation, poking, prodding and surgeries and to see her in pain breaks my heart. I wish so much I could take that pain away so that she doesn't have to suffer. This pain and difficult journey has made me feel more at peace with the thought that she will be Heaven and be pain-free watching over us and being taken care of.

If you are currently grieving please reach out to me as support is crucial. For those who aren't PLEASE ensure that you let your loved one's know each and everyday that you love them. If you haven't forgiven, forgive. For every memory you create cherish it with your whole heart.

* This is an update that my mother was called to heavens gates on May 3rd. I miss her deeply and here is a link to her obituary. I am grieving deeply and I miss her every minute of the day but I have peace in knowing she was a woman of great faith and is being reunited with family members and friends that have passed and is pain free. My heart will always cherish the memories of her as she was my best friend but I do know that she would want nothing more than me to thrive and be happy in my life here on earth. I am not great but I am getting better everyday and with time, I will be able to wrap my head around her death and know that this was her path all along.

Keep It Simple

I'm definitely guilty of complicating life at times. Often my stress or worry comes from either 1. putting thing off that I need to get done 2. thinking about possible future outcomes I have no control over, or 3. thinking of things from the past that I can not change. Staying present in life is a hard task. Even when I remind myself to stay in the present, my mind can drift to other things in seconds, as petty as, "did I leave the curling iron on? What if the house burns down? did I leave it on the carpet? should I call Ryan? should I call my neighbor?...." and then I remind myself yet again...don't worry about it, you always unplug everything and you need to stop worrying!

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. -John 14:27

I often wonder why I like shows or movies that are cheesy and perhaps unrealistic, okay...very unrealistic and it's because there 'feel good' shows or movies. There is no crazy drama, no cat fights, just pure human life focused on family and friendships. I know it sounds crazy and yes, I do realize that their religion is EXTREMELY distorted but I think about what it would be like to live an Amish life. For nothing more than the simplicity of having no modern day technology. I wonder if I would enjoy this simplicity or be underwhelmed. I suppose the grass is always greener but it's something to think about. With 1 in 4 taking antidepressants in the United Stated, it leaves me to believe that we may be overcomplicated life which in turn may lead to feelings of depression and dissatisfaction.

I came across this very simple yet profound quote. I will be working each week to check one of these tasks off the list with goal of simplifying my life. I invite you to do the same and go on the journey of finding joy in the smallest of things leaving worries and stress behind.